How to Help People Experiencing Domestic Violence During the Coronavirus Pandemic
Federico Carmona, MA Counseling, DMin
It is heartbreaking to witness some of the most vulnerable people in our communities trapped at home with those that harm them due to the shelter-in-place mandates all across the globe. Unfortunately, experience reminds us that there is a concerning reality that is typical of these uncertain times: times of crisis are positively related to gender-based violence. Research conducted after the Great Depression of the 1930s, the Farm Crisis of the 1980s, and the latest economic recession of 2008 found that economic crises have significant effects on the quality of intimate relationships and parenting. Intimate partner conflict, abuse (particularly violent controlling behavior), and a decline in parenting quality are some of the harmful effects of a macroeconomic downturn in families.
As a trauma therapist, I know that shelter-in-place mandates are not a good thing for adults and children experiencing abuse. Due to the uncertainty and anticipatory anxiety of the times, those that harm and feel powerless, helpless, or hapless could be churning negative emotions, possibly leading behaviors to worsen the already concerning number of domestic violence and child abuse cases. The problem is that there is not a “how-to” manual to deal with the current situation, but the safety of our community demands us to do our best.
How can we help people whose homes aren’t safe places because of domestic violence and other forms of gender-based violence that are present?
Reach out to loved ones, friends, and neighbors
One of the critical signs of abuse is the isolation of vulnerable individuals from their networks of love and support. We do not know what someone’s reality is. Reaching out with a simple greeting and an occasional check-in can empower an individual to tell us about their situation, and perhaps, even dissuade the person harming them from further violence as we keep checking-in.
Listen, just listen
Most people experiencing any type of abuse need an empathic ear that allows them to vent out their emotions and feelings without judgment. We are not to offer advice, only to listen, empathize, and build trust.
Validate the person’s feelings, emotions, and beliefs even when they do not make sense
The best way to build trust with someone experiencing violence in the home is by being present with them while showing our empathy, active listening, and compassionate validation. Our empathy is connected to the person we are listening to because it takes an emotional toll to try to learn about someone’s anguish and suffering. Active listening requires us to be disciplined enough to fully focus on what the person is saying rather than share what we think are the solutions to their situation. People experiencing domestic violence require compassionate validation. Many times, their decisions, their circumstances, or personal beliefs may not make sense to us.
Assist them in making a safety plan
Making a safety plan is incredibly useful and it does not need to be complicated or lengthy. The simplest way of doing it is by reminding the person experiencing abuse that they deserve to be treated with respect and shown love, involve their children in most of their home activities, reach out to relatives and trusted friends (when possible), be prepared to leave at any moment (money, documents, car keys, children’s backpacks filled with some clothes and snacks), and call for help if they feel that they or their children are in physical danger. It is important to be aware that some communities and individuals may not welcome calling the police for a variety of historical and personal reasons. Some of those reasons can include fears of increased violence from significant others, fears of deportation, fears of stigma and/or shame, among many others. There even exists the expectation to protect one’s community from further interaction with law enforcement. Many Black and brown communities have tension-filled relationships with police given the numerous accounts of police brutality, harassment, and high incarceration rates of Black and Brown individuals. Calling 911 should be a choice made by the individual in danger as they are the expert of their life. There exist some community alternatives to law enforcement intervention in situations of gender-based violence. (link to resources? guides?). For further assistance on safety planning:
Peace Over Violence’s 24/7 emergency hotlines: 213-626-3393; 310-392-8381; 626-793-3385
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (available 24/7): 1-800-799-7233; 1-800-787-3224 (TTY); live chat at: https://www.thehotline.org/
RAINN National Sexual Assault 24/7 hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673); live chat at: rainn.org
Remind them of their strengths and resourcefulness
One of the benefits of practicing active listening is the ability to notice what a person’s own power, positive qualities, and strengths are. Help them to see themselves and their power by realizing how much they are doing to survive this difficult time and circumstances. Remind them that these skills might help them thrive in a better future.
Mutual Aid and Collective Care
This is an opportunity for us to learn new things—including how inadequate some of our systems truly are. These new learnings will hopefully serve us as individuals and communities when we get to the next new normal, whenever and whatever that looks like. This is also an opportunity to find new ways to expand our capacity to connect and support each other. We can help those experiencing violence and abuse in their home by committing to care for one another and our communities.
Mutual aid can be shown in different ways. Mutual aid is a random neighbor dropping by a hot meal when you cannot get out of bed; it is buying groceries for someone who is financially unable to do it themselves; it is staying up late and talking with that friend in crisis; helping someone move; giving rides to the doctor; walking someone’s dogs when they cannot walk them themself. It can also look like sharing coping skills, survival skills, job search skills. Mutual aid can be making traditional medicine, helping sift through resources needed to find a good fit, or referring someone to a local crisis organization for help. Mutual aid can also be intervening in abusive situations and protecting someone who is experiencing gender-based violence, and fighting to change the structural causes of oppression so that everyone can be more free.
These are the times where allies and upstanders need to offer their support and speak up against the ongoing abuse. People experiencing violence need our solidarity via actions and support. We encourage our allies and community members to learn more about upstander interventions (also referred to as bystander interventions) and pod mapping as ways to increase solidarity and community care:
Dr. Federico Carmona is a Trauma Therapist for victims of domestic and sexual violence at Peace Over Violence in Los Angeles, California. He is also an ordained Elder in The United Methodist Church. The experience of domestic abuse in his ministry and his own family motivated him to seek specialization in clinical counseling, specifically in trauma, to assist survivors of domestic and sexual abuse and violence to reclaim their identity, peace, and lives with dignity and purpose.